Part 3
“We live in a world where Fear is often used as a tool to manipulate our decisions.”
— Ronn Lehmann
Part 3: The Four Fatal Fears
Today we live in a world that, while still not without real threats to life and limb, is generally safer than what Slag had to contend with. These days, there are as many Emotional Fears as there are Physical Fears. And for most of us, they constitute the majority of Fear we experience on a day-to-day basis.
The work of 20th Century Psychologist Dr. Fritz Kunkel explored how contemporary fear shows up for human beings. Kunkel identified four Fatal Fears that people experience. These are not physical threats, but rather emotional threats. He termed them “Fatal” because when we are experiencing them, we often act as if are protecting ourselves from emotional death.
Remember: The Amygdala is part of a sophisticated system designed to protect us. It responds to everything as if it is a threat, so it makes no distinction between emotional death and physical death.
Kunkel’s Four Fatal Fears are:
- The Fear of Being Wrong
- The Fear of Failure
- The Fear of Rejection
- The Fear of Emotional Discomfort
When we are in the grip of one (or more!) of these Fatal Fears, our Amygdala is urging our systems to react as if death is imminent. If we are faced with a situation in which we feel we may be wrong, fail, be rejected, or be emotionally uncomfortable, the Amygdala releases the “Fight or Flight” response—just as if we were in physical danger.
Here’s an example: You’re in a business meeting with several peers and your boss. You’ve just made a presentation to the team, and someone asks a question about your conclusions.
Now, it may be simply a request for information. Or it might be a challenge by a peer who wants to look good in front of the boss. No matter! The Amygdala senses that you might be wrong, and immediately marshals the forces necessary to repel the perceived threat. Before you know what’s happening, you find yourself striking back at the questioner, or avoiding the question altogether. Either way, the Amygdala is busy convincing you that you are under threat of emotional death by being wrong in the meeting.
This explains why we are often surprised at the force of our responses to others, as well as the physical feelings of fear and panic that can arise seemingly out of nowhere. And if you’ve ever been in the position of the questioner in our example, you may recall being shocked at the response — which in turn set off your Amygdala and round and round we go. But more on that later.
Dr. Kunkel suggests that behind each of the Fatal Fears lies a Need: A belief that we need something in order to survive emotionally:
| Fatal Fear | Need |
| Being Wrong Failure Rejection Emotional Discomfort | To be Right Success Acceptance Emotional Comfort |
For the most part, these “I Needs…” are false. We don’t really need them. In reality, we only need four things to survive: Food, Water, Air, and Shelter. Everything else is really an “I Want…”.
If we are on automatic pilot, letting our Amygdala run the show, we are driven by these false “I Needs…” As a result, we live with fear and anxiety about the consequences of not getting them.
As we’ve seen, the human brain is an amazing complex thing. For the most part, it’s a whiz at helping us make our way through the world, both physically and emotionally. But it has one significant flaw that our old pal Fear really exploits: It is a blindly functioning organ.
In other words, for all its cleverness and complexity, the brain works no matter what we put into it. Much as the lungs function normally and take in air whether it’s pure or toxic, the brain will process sense or nonsense in exactly the same way. Makes no difference to the Brain.
To go a step further, the brain can’t tell the difference between “real” and “manufactured” thoughts. In other words, when you think “Shark”, the Amygdala sends the same message to the rest of the brain whether “Shark” is a random thought that popped into your head while you were far from any body of water, or if you are bobbing around in the ocean and a real shark is preparing to make you its Blue Plate Special. Either way, as far as the Brain is concerned, the fear is very real indeed…and your body will respond accordingly.
So, back to the four Fatal Fears and the false “I Needs…”. When we are driven by these Fatal Fears, the brain can’t easily make the distinction between real Needs and false Needs. In other words, when we don’t get what we believe we need, our brain acts as if we are about to die.
See if this example resonates with you:
You are driving to a meeting with a very important customer. This customer hates people who are late, and though it’s going to be close, you have just enough time to make it.
Suddenly, the line of cars in front of you comes to a screeching halt. You are at a dead stop. The only thing moving is the clock.
You think, “I’m going to be late.”
Let’s pause here and examine what’s going on within your brain…and remember, it’s happening virtually at the speed of light:
| Initial Thought: | “I’m going to be late” |
| Which in turn leads to… | “The customer’s going to be mad!” |
| Which in turn leads to… | “I’m going to lose the business!” |
| Which in turn leads to… | “I’m going to lose my job!” |
| Which in turn leads to… | “I won’t have any money!” |
| Which in turn leads to… | “I won’t be able to buy food!” |
| Which in turn leads to… | “I’ll starve!” |
| Which in turn leads to… | “I’ll DIE!” |
Now, because of the speed our brains work, here’s how we experience this: “I’m going to be late…and I’ll DIE!!”
Unless we pay attention and grab the wheel away from the Amygdala, we can find ourselves careening from one “life-threatening” experience to another. Not only are most of these not life-threatening, they are usually not very important…at least, in the big scheme of things.
This is not to mention the time and energy it takes to live a life that way. When we spend our time and energy trying to meet false Needs and avoiding irrational Fears, we don’t have anything left in the tank. When we live in Fear, we do not take risks and accept the challenges that can lead to the results we want.
But it can be challenging to stand up to fear, given the automatic and remarkably rapid nature of our Emotional system vs. our deliberate and relatively slower Rational System.
Oh, and another thing: We live in a world where Fear is often used as a tool to manipulate our decisions.
In Part 4 of “Yikes!,” we’ll examine how Fear is used against us.
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Ronn Lehmann advises organizations and leaders on the human factors that determine their culture. Lehmann developed the Cultural Audit Process, which is designed to provide an outside perspective of an organization’s culture: what’s important, what’s rewarded and punished, what the rules are, and how people “show up.”
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